Jun. 11th, 2011

rdwaynewright: (Default)
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France. There are a lot of cathedrals there that I want to take a good look at.

I'd need much longer than two weeks for all the ones I want to see but I could at least travel to four or five on my list and spend a day or two in each. Amiens and the upper chapel at Sainte-Chapelle are a must.
rdwaynewright: (Default)
Adam fandom stresses me out even when I'm not officially in it. I can't think of any other fandom that has caused me this much prolonged stress.

This sucks.

I can't even listen to an Adam song right now without it making me feel miserable and anxious because any involvement with fandom now days usually makes me miserable and anxious and the two are connected in my head. I just need to take a step back away from all of this.

I wish I'd just stayed in Tokio Hotel fandom and never heard of Adam Lambert (then again, if I didn't know about Adam Lambert, I wouldn't have met so many wonderful people!). Unfortunately, the only reason I got into Adam at all was because of Tokio Hotel. :/ I guess I could wish that I'd never heard of Tokio Hotel either but Tokio Hotel is too special to me for that. Even when I was at my most frustrated with TH fandom, I don't think I ever said, "I wish I'd never heard of Tokio Hotel." I could never say that. They mark a really special time in my life.

Adam marks a really fun time in my life but it hasn't been a time of profound change. TH marks a profound change in myself as an individual. It's not like they caused the change but it's the time period that I associate them with and TH fandom did play some role in my growing as a person during that period. I thought Adam would be one of the fandoms that is a place marker in my life but there's nothing remarkable in my life that he's anchored to. I appreciate him for all the fun times he's given me and all of the friends that he's enabled me to meet. I appreciate him as an artist but I'm realizing that there's not really a special place marker for him like I have for other bands or individuals. Adam is on my "people I like but don't owe a life debt to" list along with people like Robyn, David Bowie, and Sam Cooke. I'll buy his next album most likely but it's not like "OMG GONNA DIE WITHOUT IT" anymore. I like him but I'm not in love with him anymore.

Also, I've changed my perspective on fandom since I first became an Adam fan. For the first time, I've been able to step back and take an honest look at fandom in general (all fandom, not just Adam fandom) and really examine the level of investment and its effects. I'm trying not to get so overly invested in any fandom (music, books, sports) ever again because I've concluded that it just really isn't healthy for anyone to get so heavily invested. It's especially unhealthy if you're prone to hypomanic episodes like I am because it's very easy to fixate on the fandom and blow through A LOT of money like I did. That's one lesson I've really learned from this. I don't regret spending all the money I spent last summer because I had the best summer ever. I do realize, however, that I really shouldn't have spent it and my reasoning for spending it wasn't the greatest.

I think Adam's changed too, unfortunately. He's no longer the Adam I fell in love with, although I admit that I probably had a romanticized image of him in the first place that didn't necessarily reflect reality.

So my fandom goes like this now:

Star Trek- Helped develop my entire worldview
Marilyn Manson- Stopped me from killing myself and gave me an emotional outlet
KISS- Happened alongside Marilyn Manson and gave me fun when I needed it most
Michael Flatley/Lord of The Dance- Taught me to never give up
Tokio Hotel- Showed me how to be myself, be independent, and "leb die sekunde"
Adam Lambert- Made me realize why I shouldn't be so heavily invested in fandoms from now on

[livejournal.com profile] sparklycockles reminded me that I neglected two other very important fandoms!

Harry Potter- I spent my late teens and mid-adult years sharpening my intellect
Doctor Who- Made me experience a sense of wonder and what could be



That said. If Tokio Hotel comes back to the US and they're ONLY playing a show in LA or something, my ass is SO flying to LA for that goddamn show, over-investment or no.

I never learn.

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